2003-07-01 - 5:57 a.m.

I've come to a crossroads of my life, and none of the paths are visible to me. I don't even know how many there are. People worry about what they're going to do with their lives; what skills they have that are worth anything; if they have any abilities at all; if what abilities they do have are enough. What of those of us who fear themselves too able? What of those of us who are actually affraid of the fact that we can do practically anything...if we set our minds to it? I know I want to do something. I don't know what. That in itself proves that I'm not as able as I thought.

Here's what I do: I ask myself what I want to "be". Do I want to be an artist? A politician? An author? An actor? A musician? A psychologist? An anthropologist?..etc. This is where most people refer to that "what I can do" part of their brain. For this, I have a problem. I do not believe that I am limited to anything. I honestly know that I can achieve nearly any goal, were I to actually apply a genuine effort. And there, as Hamlet would say, is the rub. IF, allow me to emphasize that again, IF...I apply effort; if I try; if I put a good 35-40% of my energy into it. I spend more time and energy pondering about this problem than I do in finding a solution.

So, I decide on a more general goal. I say to myself, "Do I want to set my sights high and go for the dream of societal pressures and 'make something of myself', or is this it?" I could be happy doing what I am doing right now for the rest of my life; or I could try for more, but to what end? When is enough enough? Here is where I use the easy out of "My goal is to be happy". Wow, how touching. To be happy all one need do is accept what one has; to accept your fate, or destiny, or whatever the hell you want to call it. So, I decide this is still what I want; to be happy, no matter how much or little need done to achieve this goal.

Now, back to the I-can-do-anything bullshit dribble from before. I can do these things, but I'm not. Therefore, I obviously can't. ...Unless (aha), unless I just do it. Pick something, and just do it. ...Nike. So, that's it? This is what I've decided to base my life on? The slogan of a fascist company that uses sweatshops to make shoes. Just do it. Lovely.

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