2003-07-21 - 6:20 a.m.

I got home sometime after five o' clock in the hours of the AM. For some reason I had a need to do something. Something important...for myself. Odd thing is, I had no idea as to what that was. I just felt it. Perhaps I had a need to "find myself", to dive right into discovering my true identity. I don't know.

First, I tried reading. I thought maybe I just needed to relax and read something that I could relate to. So, I did that for a while. I went into my room and grabbed "The Lost Years", a fitting title for my mood I'd decided. Did I figure it out? No.

So, here I am now. I was thinking that it might help if I vented somehow. But, where, how? *ding* < lightbulb idea > "I have an online diary. I'll write in it. Afterall, isn't that what they're supposed to be for?"

I still feel the same (if only I understood precisely what it is that I feel). I know that I feel...incomplete. Hmm...perhaps that's why I've been longing so for a relationship, or at least a contributing factor in the matter. What else? I haven't taken my medication in over a month now. Could that be the cause of this unknown distress? I hardly think so. Medicine merely alters what is already there. Maybe it's that destiny thing, and I'm just not going the right way. Maybe there's something or someone out there that I'm supposed to be doing or with. Maybe someday, some time, I'll be there. I don't know. I know it's now 6:30 in the morning and I'm sitting here dribbling out moronic babble to some voice in my head. ...Insanity? I'd end on that magnanimous note with the classic "You decide", but who are you (for that matter, who am I?) to judge me? I guess Queen was right; "Nothing really matters". Afterall, to quote another song (this one by Aerosmith), "Life's a journy, not a destination".

...Well (talking to that imaginary voice again), thanks for letting me vent, if that's even what I did. I'm going to go...I don't know, something. I guess I'm just going to go.

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